Posted on March 12, 2008 - by Calvin L. Smith

Englishman Near New York (16)

I’ve shared various positive aspects of America, together with some of its quirks and idiosyncrasies. Today I thought I’d list a few things about it I don’t so much like. If you are an American, please don’t be offended; after all, no country is perfect, not even England (I know, I know, it is hard to believe, but it is quite true I assure you). The following is just a snapshot of one Englishman’s thoughts at this moment in time, all in the original spirit of the blog, namely to give people back home an insight into what life is like here, as well as American’s an insight into how others perceive them. Of course, being an utter and hopelessl manic depressive, ask me again tonight what I think and most of the following on the list may well be construed as positive. Anyway, enough babbling, here goes…

Lousy television

Seeing Obama’s and Clinton’s faces (aren’t they aware of anything else going on the world?). Which leads me to…

Parochial, insular, and repetitive news which seems unaware of other parts of the world (unless American troops or business interests lie there)

All-you-can-eat ice cream (ice cream used to be a treat)

Peach melba ice-cream

All-you-can-eat steak and king prawns (US. shrimp). I’ve learned it is possible to have too much of a good thing

Tripple Belgian chocolate ice-cream, extra chocolate-y

Joyce Meyer (and just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, I discover she has her own talk show. And does she ever smile?)

Pot holes in roads decimated by extremes of weather

Telegraph poles and power cables everywhere (ours are all located underground)

Cookie dough ice-cream

Televangelists all vying for fame and money, absolutely dozens of ‘em

Hearing “Have a nice day” some 200 times per 24-hour period

Being asked (200 times per 24-hour period”, “How are things today?” by shop salespeople who couldn’t care less how you feel. Try answering with something like, “Oh, not too well really, my dog was just electrocuted to death” or so,mething like that, and see what the response is

Butter pecan pie fudge cookies and cream crazy-paving rocky road dough ice cream

Speed limits (utterly ridiculously low)

People so genuinely and thoroughly nice that they are totally nonplussed and hurt by British sarcasm – I feel like a scoundrel when I quip and banter at times

Having to smile all the time

Hearing about the stock markets all the time

Awful television adverts, especially those where I am shouted at by a car salesman telling me why I absolutely must come down and buy this car

$3000-4000 cashback offers on all car sales, with low monthly payments for only the next sixteen years (I am reminded of Jacob and Laban)

Too many television adverts (every ten minutes in some cases)

Hamburgers and hotdogs

Luggage (in almost every shop, which is quite ironic given so many Americans rarely seem to travel abroad)

Rudy’s Hot Dogs

Nylon carpets that keep giving you static shocks when you touch something metal

Big, Biggest, Jumbo on every packet and box

Not being able to buy a bag of crisps (US: potato chips) in sizes less than 12 kilogrammes (this is a slight exaggeration. I meant to type 10 kilogrammes)

Uneducated people who are nonetheless incredibly articulate (some much for class deference and lording it over the plebs ;) For you people back home, that was a bit of fun. To coin a US phrase, “Live with it”.

Big plad lumberjack-type padded shirts and baseball caps with tractor company names emblazoned on the top (this is, after all, the Midwest)

Blue-rinsed hair

Next entry: Things I really like about America.